Tuesday, April 11, 2006

So, You Need My Help Getting Money Out of Your Country.

Dear Miss Vera Asif, Please forgive me for not replying to your email sooner but I have been horrifically occupied by life, work, the flu and other non-sundries that have kept me from both correspondence and leisure activities these many months. To be honest, I considered not responding to your email because, simply, I recognize your so-called friendly tone, desperate cry, and proposed plan a fraud. A fraud meant to rob me of the few funds I may have and to later rob me of my sense of dignity and hope in my fellow humans. But you seem so desperate to reach me. So desperate that I have received numerous emails from you, from numerous email addresses, and sometimes at all of my different email address. This seems amazing to me as I have only given out all my email addresses to one person, my husband, and yet you seem to have this information. This either means that you and my husband have some scheme planned together or more likely, you have, from an unsavory ploy, obtained hundreds of email address in an underhanded way. For this reason, I also considered not answering your email. Yet, Miss Asif, you are in luck. Tonight I am sick. I am sure you are heartbroken to know, sick as a dog. And being sick, I can not sleep for all the post nasal drip that is threatening me like some type of torture. As I can’t seem to concentrate on the mounds of work that never stops appearing on my desk, I have decided to answer one of your many emails this very evening. At first, I wanted simply to write, tell you to stop writing, and leave it at that. But then, after reading over your email, I realized that you were in true, dire, writing skills trouble. You communicate about as well as a fart from a gazelle that lives on a diet from Taco Bell. This dear miss, is not an overstatement. I wish was. Truly I do. But the fact is, not only is your scam full of gazelle kaka, but so is your writing style. For your convenience, I have placed notes concerning one of your emails below. Next to your original text, you will find my comments in parenthesis and in blue. I have a new email address! You can now email me at: vera_asif2@yahoo.co.in (this is a problem. You have had so many “new” emails now that I can not keep up with them. Besides, the fact that you must change your email address almost every week, as past emails have informed me, just proves you are a scam artist and someone who holds poor judgment of thought if you think I am going to buy all these email addresses). Dear / Madam, (ah, another problem. Normally you address me as “dear sir” which is really annoying as I am a woman. This time, I see you got the “madam” correct, but you forget to get rid of the slash [/] that once separated the “sir/madam” combination you had in your form letter. Please have the consideration to address me by my name or at least by the correct form of Madam without the insulting and lazy habit of forgetting to get rid of the offending slash.) Greetings to you and respond urgently to my email, I really know that you can stand as my mine, as i believe you and also to let you know the secret of my life and i will like you to promise me that you will not disappoint me in terms of rest of my life fund inherited for investment with you in your country. (Okay, what the hell are you trying to say here? First off, you have a run-on sentence. Second, one should always capitalize the “I” as in “I am not buying this crap.” Next, I have no idea about what you mean when you say: “I really know that you can stand as mine.” Stand as mine what? Stand in as you? Stand by you. Stand as your friend? Specifics please! My life is simply too busy to waste time trying to figure out what you are trying to say and using sloppy grammar and writing to piss me off. —forgive my loss of temper, shall we go on with your letter?) Please it’s secret!!! (if this was a secret, you would not be emailing it out to hundreds of people! That is the quickest way of making a “secret” public!) My late father deposited money ($10,500,000 USD) (if your father was that rich, I wonder why he did not give you a better education. Granted, you say that you live in a different country and so this would explain your inability to formulate English or even a complete sentence in a foreign language. But to not capitalize the letter “I,” the personal particle, come-on . . . please!) in one of the Finance Firm here in DAKAR SENEGAL (do you really cap. all letters when you are spelling out your country’s name? How very strange, as we only capitalize the first letter in the word.) which i am the next of kin as the only child of my father so i want you to stand and claim this money on my behalf as next of kin of this money as you can see, i can't handle this transfer because of my condition here in the camp. (this is tacky, truly tacky. You do not know me and yet you would trust me to claim your money? All because you can’t do it yourself because you are living in this oddly, undefined, “camp.” What kind of camp is it and why are you there? If it’s anything like my summers at camp, you need not worry because after about a month or so, the camp leaders get very tired of cleaning up peanut butter on the ceilings of cabins and honey off of the feet of little girls, not to mention the toilet paper off the tress, that they let everyone go back home! Yes, so in as little as a month, you too could be home and with some preparation on your part, be able to claim your inheritance on your own! Now, if it is a bad camp, a detention camp or worse, I am sorry for you. Truly I am. But somehow you were able to figure out how to get a hold of mass email address to bug and piss off thousands of people like myself and do this all from a restricted “camp” without your captors, or jailors, knowledge! This, Miss Asif, is an amazing feat! Truly, I am not making fun of you here. It is an incredible accomplishment and I am sure that if you use the same amount energy figuring a way out of the camp as you used to get the emails, most likely in an illegal way, you will get that money left to you by your father. You don’t need me! You don’t need anyone! Just go for it!) After successfully transferred of the funds within the next seven days according the firm and my arrangement, i will be planning of meeting you in your country, as your good foreign investment partner who i will invest the funds with there, i have all the deposited fund covering documents and it's bearing my name as the next of kin and the only doughtier of the family who will inherit his late father properties. (Well, again we have a major run-on sentence here not to mention misspellings and, well, a host of other issues. God knows, I am not always on the mark myself with grammar and spelling, indeed I make many mistakes. However, I do try, at least, to give the illusion that I am making an effort. Nevertheless, let me address the seven day timeframe you have specified in your letter. Apparently this “Camp” you are in is not so confining after all if, in fact, you could arrange to meet me in my country seven days after I get the money for you. Either you have a well planned escape in mind, or your release is coming around soon or, as I suspect, you are not in a “camp” at all! Either way, it is obvious that the money is not pivotal to your need to escape this camp as you are inferring that you will be able to meet me before you get any of the money I am to secure for you. Therefore, I am sure that if you just wait those seven days, you can, yourself, stand up for yourself and obtain the money on your own. It is not that I don’t appreciate your trust—well maybe it is—it is just that I truly believe that your father would have wanted you to be able to stand on your own two feet, act like an upright adult, and fend for yourself. This is, after all, the wish all fathers have for their sons and “doughtier’s” (I use your spelling here because there is something odd and yet enticing about using you bad spelling). I have map out 35% percentages (ok, either use the sign for percentages, %, or use the word, but don’t use both—it is repetitive) of the total fund for you as you own commissions of assisting me to confirm the received of the fund and my investor to manage the funds on my behalf there in your country (Wait! You already have an investor???? Amazing. Wonderful. Fantastic! Why don’t you contact your investor for help, assuming you actually have one. After all, you know this person, right? I mean, you must know this person somehow, at least through phone calls and letters, or you would not trust this person to invest the very large sum of money you have coming to you. What the hell are you doing wasting valuable time contacting me, a sick flu-ridden woman who does not know you, holds hostility towards you and is annoyed that you take up her valuable time and server space with your multiple emails?) . i wait for your reply soonest. (I wonder, how the hell will you make it to my country when you have no money and are in a “camp” and so on. Please specify. Will I have to pick you up? Will you take a train or bus? A boat? Will the evil campers attempt to follow you and should I be concerned for my life if I help you? Remember, always add specifics and support your claims or you just sound like hot air!) - Miss, Vera, Asif (you do not need a comma between each title and name. Simply write: Miss Vera Asif.) I am sorry that the reply to your correspondence is not what you wished for and that it was very lengthy. My affinity for writing tends to expand when cold and flu medicines are involved. I also hope you do not mind that I am not emailing you back directly, but answering you here in the public eye of my blog space. I was concerned at first about publishing your email and email address. However, I realize that you will be getting a new email address in less then a week now, and so this one will become obsolete. I also realize that you are a scam artist and cannot, in your right mind, think that after trying to scam me and others that I would wish to protect your identity. That, I think we both can agree, would be ridiculous reasoning. And so, I close out my correspondence for good. Please do not expect me to write again as sooner or later the flu meds will wear off and I will no longer think on your letters but will simply hit that “delete” button upon reception. Sincerely, R

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