Friday, April 03, 2009

Feminine Care Cover-Up

After considering my actions and the actions of the store "clerk,” I have come to the conclusion that the entire effort of the cover-up happened because I purchased a Heath Milk Chocolate English toffee Bar. In actuality, the Heath Bar was to be a Beer, but because I am meeting someone for dinner--well, I thought better of the beer and went for the chocolate which, in hindsight, was the wrong purchase - but Let me digress. I am in Norfolk, VA attending a conference of the Southern States Communication Association Conference. I am living in Seattle and so I should attend the Western States conference and will try to next time, but a few dear Profs. attend this conference and many of the people I have known in Grad school comes here as well, and so I feel not so alone attending. But this conference has left me just exhausted, even though I have not done much. I presented on the first day and that went ok. Saw my Profs who kindly took out time of their busy schedule to keep me company (not many people that I know actually came this time). But still, I am just tired and then BAMN - the Curse. *Sigh* the Curse has two meanings - more really, I am sure, but in this case just two that I would like to highlight. 1) For some woman it refers to the idea that you somehow failed by not giving birth this month—i.e. you are cursed. 2) For other women, like myself, the curse is simply a monthly pain in the (insert cuss word here) that causes you to break out, be tired, cranky, moody, with the need to spend more time in the bathroom than one would like – as well as craving salt, Grease, and Chocolate (not necessarily in that order) I woke up yesterday to a breakout between my eyes and this morning to a lovely third eye appearing in the middle of my forehead. You would think I would have gotten the hint by these breakouts but no - happy to live in denial, I did not and went tiredly on my way. I left the conference after a roast, said something about needed "freshness" (damn I already sound like a commercial) and went back to my hotel room where I discovered that my "little visitor" or “little friend” had arrived (don't ask me where these phrases came from, I have no idea but they are stupid). Being that I was living in denial, I was not prepared and so sought out the "feminine care products" I needed. There is a small pharmacy down the street from my hotel, so that was good and I thought - gee, I'm on vacation - I should see if they have a beer as well! Anyway, I am in the store, mumbling to myself that someone really ought to come up with the tampon/pad combo pack when I spy two travel size products-grab them. Go to the beer section, think twice because of the dinner (have not eaten much today), and being that I am suffering through that time of month, my radar spies the Heath Bar, I grab and get in line where there are four guys ahead of me. In line I consider that the heath bar might just be a cover-up for the fact that I have feminine products in my hand. I wonder about the likelihood that the Heath Bar can actually be the "Red Herring" in this purchase ,and if as the "Red Herring" the other guys will not notice and think: "dude - I know what time of month it is for her!" I am wrong; the chocolate is not the Red Herring but a red flag- a statement that screams: "THIS WOMAN HAS HER PERIOD. PART THE WATERS BOYS, SHES COMING IN!" Which is exactly what happens. These four men, seeing a small woman holding tampons, pads and a Heath bar, all allow me to go first in line (LOL gentleman the lot) and then proceed to look up, down, left, right. One guy eyes some cough drops (he is not sick) and starts to read the directions carefully. The clerk rings me up and then (and this is where it gets a bit weird), specifically and carefully wraps all but the chocolate bar in one bag. A careful operation, he curls the handles around so that the bag of feminine products is nicely and tightly hidden, and then goes to put this in yet a second bag. I tell him not to worry (you know with how bad it is to use plastic bags and the environment), but he give me a head shake "no" along with a slight respectful nod that basically says :"I've got your back, no one will know you are carrying around Pads and Tampons, not on my watch." I pay, he hands me the products wrapped up all "hidden like" and then the chocolate, this time with a smile that says "I'm married (or I have a girl friend, or sisters, or I’ve watched Sex in the City), I know you need this the most" and then I leave. I think the Beer would have made the better Red Herring. Further, he was right about the chocolate, but can I have my beer now as well? But wait, there is a hotel bar – Thank God. R


  1. You need to harness the power of the Little Friend. Did you see how it parted the waters between you and the register? That's some mojo!

  2. LOL, the other day I was asked if I would take power over money. I decided on money because, I said, I would not recognize or know what to do with power if I got it. and here is the prime of that self realization. Yet I am not sure if it was my little friend or the chocolate that sealed the deal. :)


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