Where Do Babies Come From: A Roller Derby Story

Chapter one in Writing the Diaphragm Blues and Other Sexual Cacophony's, looks at the question: where do babies come from? When I was a kid, before my mom had the opportunity to give me the birds and the bees talk, I was told by a very reliable kindergartner that babies come from pumpkin seeds. This information created quite an incident in my house, the day I walked in on my mother baking pumpkin seeds, a little bit before Halloween. Horror!

Eating may cause an unexpected pregnancy

Upon researching my book, I found that this was a rather common story. Another common story (preformationism) was that fully formed humans babies reside in the male penis (homunculus), the sperm and are squirted into the woman who then functions as a high tech, biological, incubator. I was rather surprised that this myth still exists - a discussion for a different blog posts perhaps?

Preformationism illustration

Well, it occurred to me that we humans tell the baby origin story differently, depending upon our backgrounds, resources, and general knowledge. We also love to tell this story using metaphors. For example, the birds and bees are a metaphor for sex and procreation. While walking down the street the other day, I was reminded of someone who tried to use roller derby as a metaphor for doing business; and it occurred to me, roller derby is really is a great metaphor for everything, including the story of where babies come from ... And ... Birth control.

Where Babies Come From: a Roller Derby Tale

The rules of roller derby are easy. Each team has five skaters on the floor. Four of the skaters are blockers, and they make up a pack. One of the blockers is a pivot, or the lead blocker who can also score points if she has to take over for the jammer. The jammer is the only one who can score points, and she will score a point for each time she passes, legally, an opposing teammate. The blockers try to stop the jammer from earning any points, while helping their jammer pass through the opposing pack.

Now let's talk nature.

Scene: Roller Derby Bout somewhere in WA state. A mother and a child, both derby girls, are sitting down watching a bout.

CURIOUS CHILD AKA Pumpkin Smasher

Mommy, where do babies come from.

MOMMY AKA Mental Pause

Well that's a very important questions my dear!  Let me try and answer it in a way that you will understand.

CURIOUS CHILD AKA Pumpkin Smasher

Ok!

MOMMY AKA Mental Pause

Well, babies can be made many ways today, including in a hospital test tube!  But, the most common way is when a man and a woman have sex. You see, women have eggs in their body and men have sperm and when you introduce the sperm to the egg, during sex, a baby starts to grow! But, it's important to know that you do not have to have a baby every time you have sex. That is why people use birth control, to make sure that all babies are wanted and planned, just like you my pumpkin smasher!

CURIOUS CHILD AKA Pumpkin Smasher

I don't get it!

MOMMY AKA Mental Pause

Let me put it this way.  You see the bout being played?

CURIOUS CHILD AKA Pumpkin Smasher

Yes!

MOMMY AKA Mental Pause

Let's pretend that the woman is the roller derby bout; that is, she is the person who will bring life into the world. The blockers and the pivot are her birth control. If she finds the right combination of birth control, she can make sure that the jammer cannot get through, making her pregnant. The jammer, in this strangely constructed metaphor, are the sperm. The jammer tries to break through the birth control, the blocker pack, in order to make the game pregnant. The more times the jammer can break through the blockers, the better the likelihood that the woman will get pregnant.  So, if the woman doesn't want to get pregnant, then she better have great defense with her blockers!

CURIOUS CHILD AKA Pumpkin Smasher

Now that I can understand! What happens when the jammer gets a whip though?

MOMMY AKA Mental Pause

Let's just save that for another blog post, shall we?