Live, Live, Live

Live, Live, live! "Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" - Auntie Mame

The above quote was written by Patrick Dennis, and it is one of my most favorite quotes, while the movie is one of my favorite movies (right up there with my all time favorite flick: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory [the original]).

My other favorite quote is:

Live, Love, Laugh

I have no idea where this quote came from originally, but it has always struck me as a strong motto for the short time we have here on earth.

Amazing People I know:

I am contemplating these quotes because some amazingly strong and inspiring people I know received some equally amazing bad news. One friend has to endure treatment for breast cancer, and the prospect of a full mastectomy.  Another newly acquired friend is dealing with the death of her best friend and three, now inherited, teenagers to raise after this friend shot herself.  I also watched a strong skater and amazing kind woman fall and break her ankle last night.  She broke both bones around the shin area, but her resolve and strength while the medics removed her skate was heroic - even if she let go with some choice words in the process. I also have a male friend who is fighting cancer and has been undergoing stem-cell treatments.  He has an amazing partner and friend who makes sure he sings Karaoke whenever he can.

Over the past few years, I have had friends lose their homes, and become nomadic in order to financially survive. I have seen friends actively squat in their homes after losing their job, not able to find a new job, waiting for the bank to take it all away (banks that refuses to work with them - "Oh that paper work got lost, you will have to fill it out again"). 

I have seen a kindred spirit almost give up on her life entirely, only to re-embrace life and living once more - rising above it all. I have family members who have had to deal with the company they work for being sold and then sold again ... hanging on to their job by a thread and a prayer, knowing that without that job, and the health insurance it provides, taking care of a special needs son will be more than simply difficult.

What strikes me about these folks and many more amazing people in my life, is that despite it all, regardless of it all, including their own down moments and hitting a few brick walls, these people embody the two quotes above, even in the midst of heart wrenching, life attacking news. We would all be wise to take their lead and emulate them.

As Dennis observed, most of us are starving to death in life.  We work for big houses, shinny toys, or to get a head and plan for that illusive, but promised, retirement.  We work for the day we will have time to savor life.  What a mistake. What a pack of lies we all have been spoon fed and for why? For what?  Often, simply to help others live the high life that we will never gain. And even if we could gain that high life, would it be worth the life we sacrifice in order to get it "all," the so-called "American dream"?   For me, that price is just too high.

The meaning of life: 

42.  Yep, Douglas Adams was right because it was about around the age of 42 that I started to realized that life was about living, experiencing, loving, laughing, and learning.  If we live to make money, to buy things, we are doing none of the above.  Although it is spouted as a virtue, the puritan work ethic has failed most of us. Work is important, but somehow in the U.S. (I can only speak for my experience in this culture), working replaces living.  We even give up or work thorough our vacations.  I know my husband and I did this for years  -- what idiots we were!

Fools! Live, live, live!

Don't Worry, Be Happy .....

... is a stupid phrase, but a fun song. Life won't be about moments of perfection without worry everyday, and it certainly is not about escaping worry.  Learning always comes at a price and the cost is rarely cheap, although the payoff can be glorious. Go a head and worry, but do not let that worry displace or replace happiness and the chance for happiness.  In the midst of worry, find excuses to laugh, find excuses to make bad jokes or make light of a horrible situation.  Learn the Ukulele, learn Roller Derby, make your friend teach you how to draw or paint, sing karaoke and go play a rousing round of butt darts. Those are my vices and you will have to find yours.  But find them!  Our ability to laugh and to not take life too seriously is one of our gifts, one of those national medicines given to us in this world, and it is squashed/wasted far too much.

As I write this, I realize I am the queen (or a queen) of melodrama, dwelling, and workaholic tendencies. But I have actively worked against these qualities for a while now and I must say, letting go of that control is really quite a lovely gift and a relief.

To my friends and family struggling right now, I thank you for your gift of friendship, for your example of grace and fart jokes under fire, your lessons about living, and your presence in my life. 

Now, the next time we get together, we should play some butt darts ... Butt Darts on Roller Skates ... just because.

Dyslexia Answers

It is the start the new term, which means I take the time to explain to many of my composition students that I am dyslexic. I used to avoid having this conversation, simply because it felt too difficult. However, I have found that if I deal with this reality head-on, life becomes a little easier for me. The stigma really has been simple, I was not diagnosed as a young person, most people my age were not, and it took a long time to realize that my eccentric use of words, and my creative writing issues, were a result of dyslexia.  

Generally, I simply felt stupid.  I could not understand why no matter how many times I was told that this word was incorrect, and now word was being used incorrectly, or that I shouldn't randomly capitalize a word in the middle of my sentence, that I just could not remember these things.  And I tried. The problem was not that I could not remember, the problem was that I didn't see the mistakes on the page. And I'm an editor! I come from a long line of editors, and I always read and reread my writing - but to no avail.  For a long time I was able to joke away the problem, until I became a composition instructor, and I embraced social networking. Social networking is a quick form a composition, where you don't spend a great deal of time editing. It is a space of reaction. A space of conversation. As such, my writing problems related to dyslexia started to show itself terribly.

Also, students will not forgive you, especially if you're part of the English department, if you show any mistakes. It is natural for students to find each and every mistake, and to point the mistake out in triumphant form. This used to frustrate me a great deal, because no matter how much I would try to avoid making mistakes, I could not. I did not see many of my mistakes (from vs form for example). Now, rather than get upset, I encourage my students to find my mistakes, to constructively point them out to me, so that I can make the correction. This  allows my students an opportunity to see the reality of dyslexia, and possibly identify similar problems in their own writing habits.  Further, I can offer a strong example of how to graciously accept  well formed criticism, and how to approach making any adjustments that may be needed. 

This term, as I was explaining to my online class about my dyslexia, and resulting diction and malapropisms that they will undoubtedly encounter while in my class, I took some time and reacquaint myself with a wonderful pamphlet that helped me identify my problems. I thought I would take some time to present the information from this pamphlet, which is downloadable, for my readers. Who knows, it may help someone out there.

Dyslexia Tooolkit: A resource for students and their tutors is by Vicki Goodwin and Bonita Thomson.  This pdf publication was created for the Open University Centre for Educational Guidance and Student Support.

 

As all good composition, academic or otherwise, publications should do, Goodwin and Thomson starts off by defining dyslexia. And the news is not all bad!:

Recent investigations into how the brain works show that the dyslexic brain processes some information in a different way than other brains. The difference gives clear advantages in some cognitive and creative areas, though it also creates difficulties. The dyslexic brain can tackle some tasks better because the right hemisphere, the side of the brain that is responsible for creativity, appears to be more developed in many dyslexics than the left side, which is mainly responsible for acquiring language. p. 6

When most people think about dyslexia, they think about writing letters and numbers upside down or in reverse. This image to the right kind of betrays that actuality of representation.  However, only a very small section or group of people with dyslexia actually experience this drastic form of dyslexia. Most people will experience a variety of different symptoms, but not all the symptoms, listed below. The following is quoted from the dyslexia Toolkit. For the fun of it, I have highlighted those areas which affect me personally:

• Reading, which is likely to be slow
  
• Concentration, which tends to fluctuate
  
• Spelling and grammar, which can be unorthodox
  
• Physical coordination and handwriting
  
• Remembering information
  
• Organizing and planning- space and time confuses the hell out of me, but I have become a good organizer now.
  
• Working within time limits
  
• Thinking and working in sequences
  
• Visual difficulties such as blurring and distortion of print - for me this is true when I get tired.
  

Characteristics of handwriting that may suggest dyslexia:

• Use of UPPER-CASE exclusively or randomly.
  
• Letters back to front.
  
• Irregular size or awkward shape of writing, poor spacing.
  Now that so many people use word-processors, examples of handwriting may be hard to come by. But written work can still show dyslexic characteristics even when word-processed or typed:
  

• Random or non-existent punctuation.
  
• Missing letters or words.
  
• Spelling errors: the same word spelt in different ways, letters in the wrong order, phonic approximations, omission of syllables, errors in suffixes.
  
• Use of similar but wrong words – malapropisms.- I do this in both writing and speaking - which, by the way, has cause some interesting moments in my life!  LOL
  
• Non-standard sentence structure, an impression of
  inexperience in writing.
  
• Misinterpretation of questions.
  

Other indications of dyslexia can include:

• Difficulties in remembering and following instructions (directions, for example).
  
• Variable sense of timing and time management.
  
• Problems with organizing materials.
  
• Other short-term memory problems such as
  dealing with sequences.
  
• Good days and bad days.- well hell, don't we all???  LOL don't we all??
  

If you have dyslexia or if you work with someone who does, this article might be helpful, and I highly recommend it!

 R

Adrienne Rich

Image linked to from the Poetry Foundation: Adrienne Rich.

"The connections between and among women are the most feared, the most problematic, and the most potentially transforming forces on this planet." (Adrienne Rich, 1929 to 2012)

I have just received the news that Adrienne Rich has died, and my heart is broken. I took a few minutes to read a few articles about her life; I set down and remembered the first time I read her work; I got up and I lit a candle, and then I cried. My sadness is for me. I cannot think of a world without Adrienne Rich in it, without Adrienne Rich being there to help remind us about all about our follies when it comes to gender relationships, love, and ethical, kind interaction among us all. And although I am saddened today by her leaving us, I am also so grateful that she was here for the amount of time she was.

Truly, I cannot imagine a world that did not have Adrienne Rich in it. How much she gave us all. How much she potentially changed in our world with each word she wrote, each poem she compose, and each time she bared her soul for our benefit.

Just yesterday I was adding a quote from Adrienne Rich to a chapter in Writing the Diaphragm Blues regarding women's rights and birth control. I sought out her book because I remembered there was an interesting passage regarding the death at the midwife, and the rise of the doctor in Western civilization.  She has been a go to resource of mine for much of my life. 

For me personally, Adrienne Rich encouraged my voice as a feminist. She encouraged me to go out and write about those things that most of us keep behind closed doors. She showed me how it was okay to be uncomfortable by my confessions, by my feelings, and with my anger. She encouraged me with her words and her actions, to share my own subjective experiences about being a woman, about sexuality in order to share and reach out to a larger imagined community. I shudder to think of a world without Adrienne Rich in it. But possibly, my hope is this: that she encouraged other women to follow in her footsteps, to expose their souls for the world's benefit.

Goodbye Adrienne Rich. You will be missed by many, including myself.

• Washington Post: Adrienne Rich, feminist poet and essayist, dies at age 82 
• New York Times: Adrienne Rich Feminist Poet and Author Dies at 82
• Of Woman Born
• Poets.org: Adrienne Rich
• Adrienne Rich, the Poetry Foundation

Memories of a Rink Rat

I grew up as a rink rat, a term originally given to young kids who hung out at hockey rinks to meet the players, but the vernacular now simply refers to "a person always at the skating rink, usually a freestyle skater with mad skillz."  Thank you Urban Dictionary.  According to this definition, I still am a rink rat and proud of it.

I grew up on quad skates out in the Arizona dessert.  My Mom had taken my sister and I out to the brand new local roller rink,  Skate Country East in Tucson, and we loved it - although we could not skate worth a damn.  I can't remember how old I was, but I am guessing I was around 6 or 7.  My sister and I had seen the older kids skate, and skate fast, and we totally wanted to be one of those skaters. So, we practiced out back of our house, around a pink pong table, until we got it down.  Both of us became fast skaters.

We spent every free hour at Skate Country, developing friends, a community, and a lifelong skill.  It was a haven for us and, I am guessing, a haven for our parents.  They could drop us off at the rink for several hours at a time and feel comfortable that we were safe - indeed that if anything happened to us, we would be cared for until they could come get us.  We were there for afternoon skates, and evening dance skates, we did the 24 hour Jerry Skate-a-thons- raising a ton of money, and speed skating (but we were not on a team).  My sister and I have nothing but the fondest memories of Skate Country and it's concrete floor (I would not skate on a wooden floor until I was in my 40s - ouch!)

We particularly appreciated the rink during my parents' divorce, since it became a second home for us where we had support from friends and adults as well.  The rink and the skating community supported their own, which is why I was happy to be there after, in 7th grade, I had been attacked by three boys from my cross country team. When people had made up stories about me and treated me terribly at my school, my skate family took care of me and did not let those boys near me at the rink.  

I also met my first boyfriend there - a Duncan yo-yo Champion by the name of Bruce.  He could do tricks on the Yo-Yo and tricks on his quads - maybe one of the first Jam skaters around really.  He even had a theme song:*

When I left Tucson, I left skating for a time.  It was never the same in the Northwest and the rinks we had were far from where we lived.  We lived out in North Seattle and the rinks were all in the South, and so we missed out on skating. That was until we grew up.  My sister took me skating for my 40th birthday and it was a blast.  It was like we had never taken our skates off.  We started to take our nephew to the rink, who also loves it (it's in the McCarthy blood!).  And now I am a rink rat again as I took up roller derby - spending many a free hours at the link, finding community again and a way of life.  It is wonderful how what goes around, comes around.

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*My husband and I have argued over this song extensively and whether "Bruce" is being sung in the lyrics.  Apparently the original lyric was "grouce" (whatever the hell that is), but the audience all heard "Bruce."  Eventually, the lead singer of ELO started to sing Bruce as well.  So who is right?   ME! LOL

Yum Bread

I do not normally post on food at this blog, but my sister got me into the no-knead, refrigerator bread.  Indeed, dough that can be stored for up to two weeks in your frig, and quickly formed into hot bread in minutes.  The original recipe came from the book: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery that Revolutionizes Home Baking, by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoe Francois.  The directions are simple, and you can find them over at Jan CAN Cook Blog. I would include them here, but my hope is that you will get the inform from Jan and then come here for ideas on how to change up the bread for variety sake.

Generally, this bread is amazing when it is hot out of the oven with a spot of butter, but it can be a little bland after it has been out for a bit. Since I love experimenting outside of cook books, I tried a few variations on the recipe.

 I love cinnamon bread (cinnamon is AWESOMEEEEE), and so I wanted to see if I could make some with this bread recipe.  Taking a small bit of the dough from the refrigerator, about the size of a grapefruit, I first lightly worked in a large hand full of raisins.  I just wanted to mix it in, so not kneed the dough too much!

Mix a Handful of Raisins into Dough

Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Mixture

Next, made a mixture of cinnamon and brown sugar and set it aside.  I then rolled out my dough to a thickness of 1/4 inch or so, and sprinkled on the brown sugar and cinnamon mixture.  Finally, I took about 2 tablespoons of butter and worked it in/ that is covered the mixture so that a nice even layer of the cinnamon sugar goodness covered the entire slab of dough.  Finally, I rolled the dough up and sealed all ends and seams. I prepared a pizza peel with corn meal and set my creation aside to rise and set for 40 minutes.

Cinnamon-Brown Sugar Butter Mix

Set Aside to Rise

Can you taste the cinnamon goodness?  

I can!

So, that was the breakfast (yummy snack) bread.  

Now I wanted to make something to have with soups and dinners: rosemary garlic bread!  First I made a mixture of rosemary and DRY garlic shavings.  I got the garlic shavings last year in Missouri when I was workcamping.  There was this awesome store ran by the Amish, and they sold a bunch of homemade and organic foods and spices.  I had loaded up on the spices and the garlic shavings were part of that glorious shopping day.  However, I know you can purchase dry garlic shavings at a store.  Try finding this in bulk as it lasts a long time and is useful in cooking. Taking a small handful of garlic and rosemary, I mixed and rubbed the contents together and then worked it into the last bit of my dough. After mixing, I simply formed the dough into a nice round and set it next to the cinnamon raisin bread to rise. 

 I let both breads rise for 40 minutes total.  20 minutes into the process, I preheated the oven to 450 degrees. At the end of the 40 minutes, I made 1/4 inch slashes onto the top of the bread.  For the small round I did a checkered 4 classes (#), and for the raisin bread I made four separate slices. When the 40 minutes were up, I put it all into the oven on the upper rack, with a pan of water on the lower rack, and let the bread cook for about 40 minutes.

To be honest, I had little hope for the cinnamon raisin bread, and feared greatly that my experiment would turn out a hard piece of bread with uncooked portions in the middle.  Fortunately, was wrong; I got lucky!

        Hot bread from the oven! 

When I was done, I had two very tasty breads for my husband and myself!  Indeed, I had made very small loafs because it is just the two of us, and a larger loaf would go bad before we could eat it all. But that is the charm of the recipe - you can make a much or as little as you want.  I even used the dough for pizza one night, and that was delicious as well.  So, enjoy and I hope you give this fantastically simple bread recipe a try yourself!

R

Creating the Power Vision

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After Bleaching My Hair That Once

I walk into the bathroom, and check my newly short, bleached and bed-head hair, which is standing straight up on my crown and rounded flat in the front: creating a look of the 1950s duck-tail in the bang area, with a Mohawk on top. I giggled. This might have been a style I would have purposely tired to achieve back when I was 16 or 17. This is the first time I’ve had bleach blond hair. I decided to do this to hide all of the white hair coming in, which started when I was around 33. It is become quite noticeable, but unfortunately most of my white hair is coming in around the the temple of my head, shooting backwards. There is relatively less white hair on top of my head. Two months before, I had decided not to die my hair anymore and to let the white roots grow out so I could see where I stood. I noticed that my hair was pretty much doing its best impersonation of a skunk.

When I was a little kid in Tucson, my Mom had bought my Dad a skunk for his birthday. We named it Babette and she eventually used her workable thumb to escape our abode, out the back yard gate. Sadly, no one liked Babette mostly because that skunk didn’t like us, it would bite us and slash at us with its nails. The only one who could defend itself against the skunk was our cat Piewacket, who also did not like Babette.

One day my Mom, Sister and I saw a dead skunk in the middle of the road at the same moment that the Dr. Demento Show was playing the song “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road.” We wondered if the dead skunk was Babette, but the irony was so thick that none of us could stop laughing. We actually missed that fucking skunk. This is the memory that returns to me as I look at my hair, bleached to hide my inner skunk.

I wanted a platinum blond color that I would eventually transform to pure white. I figured if my hair was going to turn white anyway, why sit around waiting for it to happen? Why not simply help things along a bit, and bleach my hair as white it could possibly get. White hair is a fashion statement is it not? But the beautician I had chose a different route, and she gave me what my husband fondly calls cinnamon hair. Somewhere between a cinnamon stick and golden honey. I didn’t like it at first, but now it’s kind of grown on me. It probably works better with my complexion than platinum blond would, and my hair might fall out if I continue to try to make it white. What makes a woman look older, white/gray hair or being bald?

I looked in the mirror again, but this time at the lines in my face, my neck, and my naked chest before I enter the shower. Last night I noticed that in iTunes, one of the top new applications for the iPhone was called “Boob Job.” This application allows you to augment your breasts, make them even or uneven as the developers suggest: lopsided breasts for everyone!(1) The application cost $.99, and so I downloaded it. I took a picture of my cat, and I tried to give him cat breasts. It didn’t work. I tried to give myself breasts, and that didn’t work either …. Figures (or a lack of one anyway). What a waste of money. I am convinced that the only reason this application is in the top 10 is because it contains the word “boob.” The picture advertising the app is of the Mona Lisa with augmented boobs; finally we have improved upon the most amazing piece of art ever painted by giving her tits … Leonardo would be proud!

So many things have changed on my body. When I think of myself, I don’t think of myself this way: old.  When I think of myself, my neck doesn’t have all those wrinkles (Oh god, not the start of goose neck), my eye lids do not droop. My stomach was flat once and now I am hundred and forty-four pounds. I grabbed the fat around my belly button and I shake it. I make my bellybutton talk: “Yo, old lady! Watz uppppp?”

However, for a 45-year-old woman I am rather strong. About a year and a half ago I won a Kumite Karate (sparing) contest against a much younger woman at my skill level and in my division. She was a spry little thing but my roundhouse kick is fierce. I took first place with sparring and was delighted over my ability to win a fight with a woman who had to be in her mid-20s. A few weeks ago I joined an amateur Roller Derby team, and I suspect I am the oldest member in our group. My Derby name? Mental-pause (what the hell). I love roller skating and competitive sports. I’m not a weakling, but I must admit that I hate the way everything hangs on my body now. I can no longer find clothing to make me feel attractive. I love getting older and wiser, being better able to understand my world around me, but I hate that everything is changing in my body from the way the skin hangs off my bones, to how my period affects me monthly, to an increase of migraines. Which is partly why I cannot stop thinking of my Mom, her menopause and her struggle with migraines - I simply pray that her struggles will not become mine.
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(1) Golijan, Rosa. “iPhone app gives anyone a boob job.” Gadgetbox at MSMBC.com. 13 July, 2011. Web. 21 July, 2011 from http://gadgetbox.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/13/7075959-iphone-app-gives-anyone-a-boob-job

Teaching and Happiness: What I Learned this Term

Greetings and Salutations Dear Reader!  I am happy to say that I have once again found my way out of the "final grading" black-hole of education!  The end of term is always difficult for the students and the professor.  Every term I am asked by students:

Isn't there a better way to do this? I have three finals all due at the same time!

To deal with just this problem, I have tried something new with one of my courses. I created what I term a "master project" that spans approximately midterm to the end of the term - and this "master project" then replaces the traditional final.  So, I did this for my online communications course at SSCC.  Generally, my students had to maintain a blog for five weeks. They had to have at least one blog entry up a week, and that blog entry had to reflect the topic that they had chosen a head of time.  I made up a blogging rubric that graded each blog entry on the following: design, the use of good writing skills, a general word count (500 words per post), the relevance of the weekly topic and whether the student was writing for him or herself or an audience (audience was stressed over "diary" type entries), the students needed to reply to any and all comments left on the blog, they had to respond to two of their fellow student's blog posts, they had to cite all sources, present links and images corrected (no copyright images allowed), and so on and so forth.

So my thought was this, if the projects and the project's longevity spanned this amount of time (5 - 6 weeks), the pressure of having to have one huge project, or one huge test, or one huge paper, at the very end of the term would be reduced for the student, and for me the instructor. After all, I evaluated the project each week.

I like this idea and I had some students who also liked the idea. Of course, I also had some students who hated the idea and felt that it actually made more work.  For these students, generally they felt that the "master project" was more stressful than having a large final project due at the end of the term.

So . . You cannot win for innovation :)   Still, I think the idea is a good one and I'm going to try it again.  I like having a truly encompassing project, one that captures the essence and the core of the teaching material for the class. Also, I don't think it's healthy at all, nor does it add to anyone's happiness, to overload a student with work at the end of a term.  By the time week eight comes along, it is often just a struggle to keep my student's attention. The problem is simple: they are overloaded and tired, and so am I for that matter.

On a personal note, I do not like having to grade 120 papers within the span of five days, something I often need to do in order to get my work in to the universities I work for on time - we all have due dates!  It is too much and I end up having what I term "brain meltage" as well - it is a bloody mess when there is ear leakage!  Which brings me to my personal thought regarding happiness:

I hope never to teach four classes again at a time, at least not when four classes = 120 students.   I suppose if the type of courses I taught were the type where I only had to give tests in order to determine whether my students were learning, it might not be a difficult task.  But each class this term was a writing intensive course, which meant that almost every week I was grading 60 to 120 papers and more discussion posts. 

The other problem is this, you can not give as much personal attention to each student as you really need to, and as I personally want to, when you have that many students.  It is a logistic impossibility.  So you may be wondering:  Why on earth did you agree to teach four classes, four writing classes, giving you 120 students this term (with no grad student TA help - where is my grad student??? LOL)

Why, dear reader, that is an excellent question. The problem is this, enrollment in all the institutions I work for (and generally around this country) has gone down, and there is always a good chance that one of my classes will be canceled.  When I say a good chance, I mean better than average this last year.  Add this concern to the fact that I have to teach at least three classes in order to make almost the same amount as my full-time counterpart, that means I have to commit to four classes and hope that one becomes canceled.  If I commit to just three classes and if one of those classes do not run, then I find myself at the mercy of a bit of an economic strain for the term.  It is rather a no-win situation when you work as an adjunct professor.

Now both of the institutions I work for are great, and I admire them greatly- the faculty and the administration. Both institutions work to give you a heads-up regarding whether your contracted class will run not, but you never hear in enough time to allow you to run out and try to find an additional class to teach.  In this situation, you can apply for unemployment or find a part-time job doing something else. This makes me unhappy and a bit frustrated because I then overextend myself in order to make ends-meet (by the way, is it ends-meat or ends-meet?)*

So, I decided for my own happiness to teach no more than three classes at a time, and if one of those classes are canceled, to spend more time with my love of spaghetti and black beans.  Err - not mixed together!  LOL

Which brings me to the last subject of today's blog post:  Running.   I have discovered running can bring happiness, mostly because it brings me the opportunity to have timeout from work and I give myself the luxury to just be in the moment, listen to music or book on tape, and to enjoy the view around me. I'm working very hard to allow myself running time every day, or at least five days a week. Not only should this help my waistline, which will also make me happy, but I'm noticing it really helps me on the mental and emotional part of life as well. So yea me and running!

My next post is going to be about a study that was just completed regarding happiness, well-being, and individualism! The findings actually surprised me and so I will be excited to share this information with you. But before I write this post, I want to do some additional research myself regarding some of the study's parameters, and specifically what cultures (individualist vs collectivist) were examined when conducting the series of tests.

Rebecca

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* So, after doing a brief Internet search, the term is "making ends-meet" -  I am adding the hyphen because it seems like this is a phrase that should have a hyphen.  "Making ends-meat" came about because of the idea that what you're talking about is making enough money to put meat on the table, hence end's meat, the cheapest piece of meat one would purchase and eat. But seeing how I'm a vegetarian, I shall offer up this phrase instead: "Making ends-radish."  I like radishes, their tasty.

New Goals and Other Such Things

On December 1, 2010, George and I will be returning to Seattle, WA from Albuquerque, NM. I am not sure how long we will be in Seattle, or if we will be staying there and ending our roaming adventures for the moment. But the simple act of returning to Seattle makes me pause and consider all we did these last many months, and what it all means.

The Past

I think that both George and I consider our adventure and our need to "drop out" as a type of life crisis.  Rather than having affairs (so trite), or buying a slick car (we bought a Halaburton Truck instead - not slick but sturdy), tried to strip our life bare, exposing what was, and creating a Tabula rasa so that we could start writing/plotting our lives again.

Both of us were rather exhausted from repeated, and unexpected, deaths in our family (yearly + ordeals from 2001 to 2009), personal disappointments in careers and loss of properties, and financial woes (we thought they were serious, but our decisions were not as bad as this young lady's choices at least).   Generally, George and I had lived in a crisis space for most of our marriage and we did not know how to function outside of crisis (gun shy would be a good way to put it), or how to make a new life with new expectations, hopes and dreams.  We were in a rut.  So we did the one thing that we thought would force us out of that rut in a dramatic way:

• We sold all we had (which was not not much and only brought in $1000).
• We cashed in what was left of our 401k's after the market had crashed (this brought in a little over $2000 - yep, that was it, makes us wanna cry).
• We purchased a used 5th Wheel and Ford F350 Truck.
• We went on the road.

The Journey

The Bad

• We faced many problems during our adventure, including very expensive breakdowns of the RV and Truck.  It is truly sad that people lie to you when they sell you things.  Especially with the RV, we were lied to about the condition of the unit, as well as the hitch sold to us by the seller - the seller did not disclose the real condition and allowed us to tow a 10,000 pound RV on a majorly dangerous hitch.  Lack of disclosure and lies about the condition of each item cost us much, cost us the rest of our savings really,  and put our lives in danger.

• Our truck was also a mess and we have now spent more money on the truck than we spent to purchase the truck.  

• Financial problems - yep, after the huge breakdowns for both the RV (We need a new RV - that is just that), and our truck, we are now super broke.  But we are in good company, since I know very few people who are not super broke.  

 The Good

•  We got to know some of the neatest, most delightful people on our trip.  RV people are really terrific folk who talk with each other, help each other, and enjoy forming communities (albeit temporary ones).  This was a wonderful surprise, and I am grateful for the new connections I have made.

• I have learned to appreciate rural life more, including day to day activities, values and the different type of community that forms in rural spaces.

• I have learned that I have a very hard time just being still and relaxing.  I have such a difficult time at this, that I create situations to keep me in that chaotic space.  Why is this good?  It is good that I recognize this fact and I am now learning how to stop making these choices.

• I am happier with less stuff to have to interact with, but I would like a better RV to live in.  

• My husband, our dog and cat can live together in a 30 foot space without killing each other, and with the ability to get along rather well (how is that for success!)

The Future

Going back to Seattle, both George and I are ready to drop back in and start over with a kinda clean slate.  I am not sure what we will do career wise, but we are ready to start it up again.  I cannot speak for George, but here are some goals I have in mind for my immediate future:

• No matter where we are, George and I need to continue to go on little adventures and have regular vacations- period!  We spent most of our marriage not having this time to enjoy, and that is simply stupid.

• Get a better RV.  It goes without saying that this space is great for camping in (especially after all the money we invested), but not really great for living in.  I do not mind living in an RV or a small space.  Our footprint on the environment is low and it is economical.  We may never be able to afford a house again, but we could own another RV.  We need one that functions better for us day to day, and one that George can better navigate (this was really a short person's RV).

• Outward improvements.  There have been several different types of experiments that demonstrate that if you improve the outside of, the appearance of, a space or area, this improvement will encourage positive growth throughout the space, organism, and so on.  I am taking this data and applying to myself.  I would like to change my style from my normal  everyday tee-shirt and jeans, to a more sophisticated, funky, appearance.  I do not know how I will go about doing this because I know crap about fashion.  Just saying.  Also, I am rather tired of dressing like I am still 10 years old.I will also work out on a regular basis because I feel better about myself and life when I do.

• Career.  It is time to branch out with this one.  I will not say that I will leave education permanently, as I did about a month ago, because I do not know what life will hold for me.  I love teaching and maybe there will be something there for me.  But my door is open to other opportunities and I am intent on exploring those opportunities; opportunities that allow for creativity and offer a bit of financial intensive.   I am an intelligent, well educated and accomplished woman. It is time I am given the opportunity and position that reflects this.  I have worked for it and I deserve it.  I know that there are times where I will not get what I want, but I am done cleaning toilets for a living (well, technically I have at least 5 days left of this task).

• I am returning to theatre.  No matter what position I take, I will no longer allow circumstances, work and "career" to interrupt my work in and love for the theatre.  I shall seek out community theatre work, improvisation work, and or other artistic endeavors. 

Those are my thoughts at present.  My next blog post will be about what we plan to do on our adventure back to Seattle!  To avoid bad roads, we are taking the long way home: I-10 to I-5.